I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
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The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.