Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

How does someone manage that 🤨

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?

Because they’re spoiled

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

Good morning

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”