I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
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me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
That was easy.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
This guy’s not having it 😆
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.