Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

this is the kind of friend i am

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

new dr. seuss book dropping:

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.