Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough