I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
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I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
pain
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire