I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
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The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.