Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

checking out some reviews of my local library

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

necessity is the mother of invention

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

good news everyone

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life