Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*