I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
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What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.