I hope it’s French Onion!
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Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
any last words?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today