I hope it’s French Onion!
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75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.