Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*