I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
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Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
“i am a sweet baby”
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?