I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
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Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.