I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
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[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad