I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
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Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.