Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

Wait.

Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things