i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
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Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells