i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
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What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
a badder mouse
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between