I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
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I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I think this cat is broken
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Same post same
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May