Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan