I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
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I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Okay, I’m still confused…
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to