I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
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*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
It’s on my to-do list.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper