I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Very good! 👍😂
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what