I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
You Might Also Like
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
shit just got real
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.