Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

bags with threatening auras

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

I’m an avid indoorsman.

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

im all 3

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

Stick it to the man

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.