I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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A short story of betrayal:
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Always
