@notsoevilrick: I hope my dog doesn't turn out weird because she's being homeschooled.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money? Me: So they can buy stuff. 4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff? She’s a criminal mastermind.
@Brianhopecomedy: Bought an ice cream cake and the cashier told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it will melt. I gotta start dressing smarter.
@michelleisawolf: George Clooney has done so much for the world. All of it to try to get us to forget that he was a terrible Batman.
@Dawn_M_: Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.