I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.