I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

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My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”


“Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?”
“K let’s make ’em like that”
— funeral home designers


Teacher: What’s ur biggst fear?

Child1: Ghosts!
Child2: Dogs!
Child3: That humanity’s core reaction to misunderstanding is anger


*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”


Husband: [sends text] We need to break up.

Wife: [sends text] WTF!

Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.


Don’t argue with strangers on the Internet.

Save up all that negative energy for your coworkers and door to door salesmen.


when we are all singing quarantine songs with our neighbors in 6 weeks or so, please remember good karaoke etiquette. No songs over 3.5 minutes, fully commit and don’t do the “haha I’m so bad” thing, and please avoid “total eclipse of the heart”


What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle