I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Breaking news:
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.