I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Breaking news:
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p