i hope my email finds you on fire
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[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.