I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
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after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
why is everyone yelling about nude ears
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.