Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”