Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

thank god

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.