Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

4 pm:
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9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

He’s cranky this morning

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.