I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
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I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is