Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”

My 7yo: What’s this song called?

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.