I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
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I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.