I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
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*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.