Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

Feels

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks