Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.