Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.