Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

Who called it baking and not making love

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

It be like that sometimes 😆

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?

Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now