I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
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I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
girls literally only want one thing..
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?