I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
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*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.