I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
You Might Also Like
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Old old old old old west
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
