Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

GM✌🏻

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here