I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
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you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
…żyje?
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping