I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
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Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
August 8
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow