Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

How wrong was this guy?

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

The glockness monster

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”