I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
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“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
Iβll clean your teeth for half price.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
π«‘
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
βYou scratch my back and Iβll scratch yours.β
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Iβve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so Iβm really over it.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
*snaps wifeβs nighttime eye mask*
You up?
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.