I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
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Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale