I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
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It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)