Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

😂🐾

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.