Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

I…do not understand how electricity works.

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]