I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
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Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it