I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
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A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.