I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
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My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.