I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
A ghost story