Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Wake me when AI does housework

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

when the buffet is more honest than your date

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?