I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
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You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
ready to be harvested
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.