I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
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Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805