Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you