I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
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If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Dumple
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
How it started: How it’s going:
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.