I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
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Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
