I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
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My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Yup.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!