I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
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Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.