I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
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To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed