I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
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Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
May have had one breakfast too many
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”