I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
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Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
the council will decide your fate
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
ew if literal: let me be clear
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
you stereotypes are all alike
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it