Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

😞

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

There’s only one good girl here!

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

White Castle for the Win

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.