@House_Feminist

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

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@CatherineLMK

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

@CubanaMama82

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

@mikeym00n

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

@iLiveSilent

In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.

@TheHyyyype

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

@Reverend_Scott

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

@billwurtz

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

@SortaBad

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room