I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
You Might Also Like
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Breaking news:
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Untitled Goose Game (2019)