The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
You Might Also Like
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
*sliced bread was invented in 1928*
*sandwiches before 1928*