I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
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I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else