Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Finally, a door that understands me

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

wife: please be careful with that box…you remember the bead incident

narrator: of course he remembered the bead incident. it was may, 2017. he’d decided to surprise her by organizing the closet, but it was he who would soon be surprised.

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

😆

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot