I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
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My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.